Showing posts with label General. Show all posts
Showing posts with label General. Show all posts
12/01/2008
Nudist Colony
Nudist colony --------------------------------------------------------------------------------A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call for me?' The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?' She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer. 'You must be new,' answered the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked. 'Here 's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.' 'But Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.' 'Listen lady,' he replied, 'I'm 78 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'
Lipstick in School - Priceless
Lipstick in school - PricelessAccording to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.*** There are teachers ... and then there are educators. ***
VBExperience Points System Explained
vBExperience Points System Explained By STALLION.Just follow the points, and see how fast they can accumulate!..Now you can see how Points are generated and tracked - so simple!.
Little Johnny
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was."It's a period," reported Johnnie."Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period.""Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
Having a Bad Day ?
Found on another forum.
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten tomake. I found the number and dialed it.A man answered, saying 'Hello.'I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn?'Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an a.......!' and hung up.I wrote his number down with the word '*$#@*&!$' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.Every couple of weeks when I had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an *$#@*&!$!'It always cheered me up :-)When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '*$#@*&!$' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an *$#@*&!$!'and hung up.One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.A couple of days later, right after calling the first *$#@*&!$ (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd bettercall the BMW *$#@*&!$, too.I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'He said, 'Yes, it is.'I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and the car's parked right out in front.'I asked, 'What's your name?'He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'He said, 'Yes?'I said, 'Don, you're an *$#@*&!$!'Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.Now, when I had a problem, I had two *$#@*&!$s to call.Then I came up with an idea.I called *$#@*&!$ #1.He said, 'Hello.'I said, 'You're an *$#@*&!$!' (But I didn't hang up.)He asked, 'Are you still there?'I said, 'Yeah,'He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'I said, 'Make me,'He asked, 'Who are you?'I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'I said, '*$#@*&!$, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax. I have a black Beamer parked in front.'He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *$#@*&!$,' and hung up.Then I called *$#@*&!$ #2.He said, 'Hello?'I said, 'Hello, *$#@*&!$,'He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'I said, 'You'll what?'He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'I answered, 'Well, *$#@*&!$, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'I headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two *$#@*&!$s beating the crap out of each other :-)I feel much better.Anger Management really does work.Hereward
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten tomake. I found the number and dialed it.A man answered, saying 'Hello.'I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn?'Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an a.......!' and hung up.I wrote his number down with the word '*$#@*&!$' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.Every couple of weeks when I had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an *$#@*&!$!'It always cheered me up :-)When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '*$#@*&!$' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an *$#@*&!$!'and hung up.One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.A couple of days later, right after calling the first *$#@*&!$ (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd bettercall the BMW *$#@*&!$, too.I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'He said, 'Yes, it is.'I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and the car's parked right out in front.'I asked, 'What's your name?'He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'He said, 'Yes?'I said, 'Don, you're an *$#@*&!$!'Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.Now, when I had a problem, I had two *$#@*&!$s to call.Then I came up with an idea.I called *$#@*&!$ #1.He said, 'Hello.'I said, 'You're an *$#@*&!$!' (But I didn't hang up.)He asked, 'Are you still there?'I said, 'Yeah,'He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'I said, 'Make me,'He asked, 'Who are you?'I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'I said, '*$#@*&!$, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax. I have a black Beamer parked in front.'He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *$#@*&!$,' and hung up.Then I called *$#@*&!$ #2.He said, 'Hello?'I said, 'Hello, *$#@*&!$,'He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'I said, 'You'll what?'He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'I answered, 'Well, *$#@*&!$, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'I headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two *$#@*&!$s beating the crap out of each other :-)I feel much better.Anger Management really does work.Hereward
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